This is How I’m Pathetic.

So I’m wicked hungover the other morning because I was up late the night before celebrating the big promotion I got at the office for how I handled the Fisher Account. Now, my morning routine after I’ve had one or three too many limoncellos, is to get on the onlines and check out my sites. After MILFhunter.com and wikipedia articles about Elephantiasis and Diane Arbus that somehow managed to meander to an article about the differences between Jewish and Islamic dietary laws, I go to CNN.com to check the latest headlines for oddities. If you don’t know what I’m talking about go to this link, because I don’t have time to go into it, and I feel like I’ve already babbled on and on without even getting to the point. 

Oh, and there is a point.

The point is this little gem that I find tucked away near the end of their latest headlines:

Hannah Montana has a Montana Sized Hunger.

Wuh-oh everybody, Miley Cyrus wants people to know she’s had it up to here, and by here, I mean the crest of her second chin.  More precisely, I think she’s referring to the small plateau just above the crest of her second chin that seems to serve the evolutionary purpose of collecting crumbs from her nightly taquito binge-fests. These crumbs are then collected the following morning by Miley’s various servants who combine them with milk to form a basic nourishing paste which they use to feed their village. It’s the truth. They FedEx it and everything.

So apparently Miley is fat as all get-out. 

At least that’s what I would have to assume because, double wuh-oh, the only information I can get on this dynamic topic is in the form of a video. You see that little video icon to the right of the headline? The only way I can learn more about Tubby Lumpkins is if I watch a video. Well. fuck. that. 

Two hours of unsuccessful googling and mindless browsing through gossip sites,  I’m still not entirely sure if she’s gotten orca-fat or people are just being bitchy. So there you go. Instead of looking at naked people, I dicked around on the internet looking to see if some dumb bitch pop star who I hadn’t even heard of had gotten fat. And I even failed at that.

Oh wait.